Back in October I had yet another life change that left me reeling and threw me into the abyss that I had previously been balancing on the edge of. I think that this change, in combination with what I can only call the shock of Logan’s loss finally wearing off, is what pushed me to fall.
Where I had been writing, I simply couldn’t find the energy. Where I had been able to interact with others, I needed to go within. Where I had previously been able to get out of bed and engage, I simply couldn’t anymore… And it scared me. A lot.
As a recovering doing-addict, achiever, perfectionist I was terrified that I, Ali, was going to be lost forever, wandering in the lonely dark of the abyss. The fear that I would never recover, the fear of the unknown, heightened my suffering exponentially.
For my friends reading this and being worried about the language I am using to describe my feelings, please be reassured that I was NOT ever suicidal. I have been under professional support and supervision as well as lovingly supported by my friends and family this whole journey. If at any point I did or do feel like I need more help, I will seek it out without hesitation. I promise.
If it wasn’t for my incredible support team, I honestly don’t know how long I would have stayed at the bottom, or how much further I could have fallen. My incredible acupuncturist and friend, the midwives and staff at the Birth Center, our therapist, my rolfer, my reiki coach, my husband, and my friends and family (you know who you are) have held space for me and supported me through this time.
As a nurse who has been in contact with and cared for countless patients in their own abysses, and all I can say to them is, I am sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t understand. I am sorry that I tried to “fix” things failing to realize that you needed my ear and my heart more. I am sorry if I have ever said anything hurtful or offensive in my attempt to “fix” you and cover my feelings of inadequacy. I am sorry from the bottom of my shattered heart.
I now understand that it isn’t about “fixing” but instead about support. It’s about sitting with an open heart, choking back meaningless platitudes, and allowing the grieving person to go through their experience while you are fully present.
This is tough, believe me, I get it. It is incredibly hard to watch anyone, especially those we care about, be in pain, and the need to “fix it” is a compulsion. It is equally as hard to run, walk, or crawl alongside them on their journey. It takes a special kind of strength to sit with pain and allow it to transform as it will.
Grief is not a condition to “heal” or “fix,” it is a journey. There are deep lows and I hear that there are highs to come. As time goes on, the deep lows may be separated by longer periods of time, but it does not go away.
This summer I met an 87 year-old woman named Barbara. She and I got to talking and it turns out that she had 5 children and two of them had died at birth. She teared up while we were talking and she said to me that there is still not a day that goes by where she doesn’t miss them… It has been over 60 years.
I would like to say that I have crawled out of the abyss, and perhaps I have, but I can feel it there calling to me like the cave on Dagobah called to Luke (it’s Star Wars opening weekend… I had to sneak in a reference!). I am not naive enough to think that I will never see the inside of that abyss again, but I now know that I have a net there to catch me, and that makes the prospect less scary.
***If you are reading this and feeling alone in the dark… You are not alone. You are not weak. You are not a failure. You are a human being, and we are hardwired for connection. There are times when we all need a little extra support.
Please, don’t hesitate and reach out for support. If you feel like you want to end your life, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, go to the nearest emergency room, and/or call 9-1-1. ***
Good Things:
- The new Star Wars movie is AMAZING!!
- Rose and Kevin are here visiting!
- I have been able to watch a bunch of totally silly and corny Christmas movies
- Twinkly lights (no further explanation is needed)