I first want to say happy second birthday to our sweet puppy Larry ❤ He is the sweetest, most loving dog I have ever known! In the last 7 weeks he has been such a light for us. He was definitely affected by Logan’s short presence and loss in our lives; I was concerned that he was depressed for a little while there but he is back to his usual self. He has been so in tune with us, making us laugh when we need to, snuggling when we need love, and keeping us active when we really just want to sink into the couch cushions and never leave. We are so glad that you chose us buddy!
Life seems to have found a steady rhythm. Leaving the house can still be difficult and I am easily overwhelmed by crowds, but I would like to think I am learning coping skills… Or at least I am getting to know when to call it before I break down into a sobbing mess in public.
It’s crazy that a nuclear bomb was dropped on our life, stopping everything, but the world has kept moving at its normal pace. It feels disorienting and it is hard to know how I fit in that world anymore. I know that learning who I am now is a big part of the grieving process and I am trying to give myself space to allow that to happen. It’s just so strange to know how I previously would have shown up in a situation and to have that feel so inauthentic.
Love and time, love and time.
This week I read an article written by an Italian oncologist. The article was about an 11-year-old cancer patient that this physician had cared for during residency and her explanation of death (read the article here). The insight that this child had struck me to my marrow. She said that she wasn’t afraid to die because she wasn’t born for this life. She described death as being like falling asleep in your parent’s bed as a child and then waking up in your own bed. She said that she would fall asleep one day and wake up in heaven. She then went on to say that her mother will miss her and when the physician asked her what missing someone means to her, she replied, “missing someone is the love that remains.”
What a perfect explanation! Longing for someone and missing them is simply the love that remains after they are gone.
I miss Logan every second of every day. I know he was not born for this life, just like the girl in the article, and I hope that his passing was as easy for him as falling asleep. I, his mother, miss him so much that I can’t breathe sometimes… But it is just an expression of how much I love him.
Good things:
- My mom is here!
- I have had a chance to meet up with some very dear friends
- It looks like we are going to have some squash and cucumbers ready to eat soon
- I’m feeling physically stronger each day… I so missed exercise
