It has definitely been awhile since I last wrote… Somehow, the last several weeks have been among the hardest since Logan died. My grandfather, RJ, died on November 10th, and that really sent me reeling. He was 94 years old and had lived a full life, but, somehow, it was the proverbial straw that this year threw on my back (and probably the back of many in my family). I will be happily counting down to midnight on December 31st with my middle fingers flying because 2017, F* YOU!
We love and miss you RJ! Take care of my baby for me until I get there.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday of the year, and yes, I refuse to decorate for Christmas until after Thanksgiving for those who care to know (it seems to be a popular question on social media). It has always made me sad that in our culture (at least the stores and advertising) we like to skip over the holiday all about being thankful for what we have so that we can focus on buying things and spending more money. The fact that Black Friday now starts on Thursday will open me up to all sorts of discussion that I am sure you don’t care to hear.
Anyway, I digress, back to my story…
I love to prepare and eat delicious food with people I love and celebrate all the wonderful things we have in our lives. To me, Thanksgiving is perfect because of, well, food, love, and gratitude…
This year, however, Thanksgiving is proving to be a hard holiday. Logan’s six month birthday is on Thanksgiving day, which is a big milestone whether your child lived or died. Also, gratitude and I have been having a bit of a choking match with one another for the last six months. As someone who has always loved to focus on gratitude, it is hard to admit that basically everything since Logan feels tainted, fogged, or otherwise diminished.
Brian and I decided to get away. To simply shrug off tradition, say no to cooking and to just be together, honoring Logan for this time. We escaped to New Mexico and the hot springs where we celebrated our honeymoon together… But, it hasn’t been easy.
There have been lots of tears, many intense discussions, a couple of dark moments, and some serious pain mixed in with relaxation and love. As we come upon Thanksgiving, it is hard to feel genuinely thankful for anything. Being here together is wonderful, please don’t misunderstand me, but, the bottom line is that, IF LOGAN WERE ALIVE, WE WOULDN’T BE HERE!
In fact, basically every “fun” or “joyous” activity we have pushed ourselves to participate in since Logan died has been diminished because, simply, we wouldn’t be there or doing that if he was alive. Each and every moment is a reminder that our son is dead, and yet, doing things that we would be doing as a childless couple is fifty-million times harder as childless parents.
I described my new practice of gratitude to a friend as, “finding the silver lining in the shit pile.”
I have faith that one day I will once again be able to find joy and gratitude more easily, but, for now I am giving myself the space I need to be sad, angry, hurt, devastated, and broken.
This year, Thanksgiving is a holiday we are escaping from. We will be focused on each other and our son, thankful for the 2 1/2 days we got so spend with our amazing little man and the love that has grown between us because of our experiences.
From my family to yours, may your life be full of love