If you read yesterday’s blog post it was clear that I was having a tough day… At times I become overwhelmed by grief and it is all I can see, hear, taste, feel, and smell.
Yesterday was one of those moments when I realized, again, that Logan was not coming back. That he is really dead.
I know it may sound strange that this is something I need to reality check, but, since Logan’s birth my days have been a series of reality checks, complete with shock, disbelief, and pain. Several times a day I stop myself and again realize that yes, this is my life now. Even three months later I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare and realize it was a long crazy pregnancy dream.
We have been making every effort to begin experiencing life again and as part of that we decided to attend two concerts in Vail this weekend. Last night was the first, Rodrigo y Gabriella. On our drive up to the mountains I spent much of it crying and snuggling Logi Bear, thinking about how much I miss our baby boy.
Upon arrival in the mountains, I checked my email… There in my inbox was an email from the photographer Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (an incredible organization) sent to take pictures of Logan, Sarah Boccolucci (Just a quick shout out to Sarah… She is amazing! The pictures she took are our most precious possessions. She is a professional pregnancy, birth, and newborn photographer who donates her time to NILMDTS to take photos of terminally ill infants and gives the families the photos for free! The pictures she took were incredible and she is a wonderful person too <3).
For this part of the story to make sense, I need to back up a bit. My biggest regret for Logan’s life is that we didn’t take more video. The only videos we had of him were when he was crying. Brian and I watch these videos often because seeing him move and hearing his voice is indescribably comforting, but we were devastated that we would never again hear him coo or watch him snuggle in his sleep…
Ok, back to the email Sarah sent… She said that she had taken a small amount of footage of Logan and put it together in a video for us to have. Brian and I clicked the link she sent with excitement and there, on the screen, was our baby cooing, breathing, and snuggling!! We felt like we had just won the lottery! It was almost like Logan came back to us for a few brief moments ❤ I can’t even tell you how many times I have watched that video since, but a greater gift couldn’t have been imagined.
Not long after this completely unexpected and amazing email, we headed to the concert. We walked up to the grass and laid out our blankets next to a woman who I recognized but simply couldn’t place where I knew her from. I figured I knew her from our time living in the Vail Valley and let it go. Half way through the opening act, this woman came up to me, knelt beside me and said, “I know where I know you from. I took care of your son.” It all came flooding back! Of course, she was the nurse who took care of us on our last day in the hospital and discharged Logan home!
I instantly burst into tears like the super cool person I am and hugged her. It was so incredible that she was there with us and sitting right next to us on Logan’s 12 week angelversary! I don’t believe that this was a coincidence. I really felt Logan with us last night and that he was sending us earth angels to let us know how much love is in the world.
With all the hateful things happening in the world recently I have been looking for the love and once again our son has shown me how great our capacity for love is ❤ It was our goal that Logan only knew love for his whole life, and now he is showing us how to love across the veil separating the living from those who are yet to be or are no more. To really hit his point home, we watched shooting stars in the sky as we listened to incredible music in the valley where I first met and fell in love with Brian ❤