Yesterday marked Logan’s 6-week birthday. Among the Fourth of July festivities Brian and I paused together at 8:28pm (the time Logan was born) to look at pictures, reminisce, and share in our love for him. I so wish that we could have shared fireworks with him.
Sometimes personal growth is a choice and we walk or run willingly with open arms into new experiences… Other times we are dragged kicking and screaming by life’s circumstances forced to look at and change our patterns of behavior. I wish I could say that I am in the former category, but considering the circumstances I find myself in, I would have to concede that I am the latter (although I would like to be able to say that I eventually stopped fighting and gave in).
Over the last 5 weeks or so, I have been thinking about and focusing on self-care. To be completely honest with myself, self-care has always been a challenge for me and rather easy to push aside until I am so broken down that I have no choice but to take care of myself. This is something I have done since I was a young adult, but it worsened and grew more pervasive when I became a nurse.
If I go on and get my doctorate I would like to study the socialization of nurses; how we and the hospital system shame ourselves and each other into pushing it to the brink, giving care to everyone else but ourselves. Most nurses work 12+ hour long shifts without scheduled breaks to eat, drink, or just use the bathroom. Each hospital experiences varying degrees of this and I do know that many hospitals have made a shift and ensure that nurses have breaks, but, even in those hospitals I believe that this culture can be pervasive.
What does this have to do with my journey right now? Well, I find myself really having to push myself to rest, put myself first, and do the activities that are best for me and not necessarily what others want me to do. These may sound simple to you, and if they do, I am happy for you, but for me, this is foreign especially in light of the fact that I had expected to spend my summer caring for my son and “comfortably” following this pattern of self-sacrifice.
Now, I find myself feeling so guilty that I actually have anxiety and panic when I choose to sit on the couch, take a nap, read a book, take a bath, or stay in bed for a few extra minutes (Sound relaxing? It’s not.). The inner chatter I hear goes something like this, “People will think I am lazy, Brian will resent me if he is working and I am resting, x person will be angry with me if I don’t call, write, respond to their text, y will not want me in their life anymore if I don’t go and see them, z will think I am a bad friend/family member if I don’t do ____, if I stop working hard now then I will never work hard again….” These and other anxiety riddled thoughts have controlled me for a long time, and now, I find myself forced to take the time to examine and work through them rather than be controlled.
I also admit that since Logan’s death, my anxiety has increased significantly and that resting is a time when I think about him and how much I miss him. Rather than push myself and work myself to the bone to avoid processing what has happened, I choose to experience my grief and transform through it. It is not comfortable, but it is necessary. Also, I choose to look at grief as a different form of love; I love him more than anyone and experiencing my grief and heartbreak is evidence of that.
How does one even begin to heal from almost a lifetime of conditioning themselves to push to the brink and not take time for themselves?
Radical self-care.
I knew in my brain what I needed to do, but I needed to get to a place where I knew in my heart. So, I made the a plan for myself:
1. I have started scheduling in at least one self-care activity each day:
- Nap
- Bath
- Exercise
- Journaling/writing time
- Sitting on my porch and just enjoying our yard
- Reading
- Massage
2. I have asked for help and support (Brian is amazing at talking me down from my anxiety riddled panic mode when I start to feel guilty about slowing down)
3. I have changed my diet (I found that eating sugar actually made my anxiety worse and removing it has helped immensely)
4. I have been going to acupuncture and receiving reiki (these so help me to feel more calm and centered)
5. I meditate and thank my body every day for all that it has done for me (completely the opposite of my usual self deprecating self talk)
6. I let myself cry
7. I started seeing a grief counselor for support
8. I reach out to my family and friends when I need someone to talk to
I wish I could say that self-care has magically become second nature to me, but I can still find myself in a state of anxiety with one quick thought. It is a pattern I am ready to break out of and I know that following the plan over time will help. I will keep you posted on how it goes.
Good things:
- We had fun celebrating the 4th of July with our neighbors
- We have been planning a trip for late July
- I had a wonderful massage yesterday
- I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life ❤