All I can say is… What a week!
We went into Father’s Day expecting that it would be difficult; it was Brian’s first Father’s Day and Logan had been gone for just over three weeks. What we didn’t expect, was for the following days to be difficult too. I have now dubbed this week “The Father’s Day Hangover,” and man, it’s a doozie (Like a, “I am NEVER drinking again” level hangover)!
To add icing to the cake, yesterday was Logan’s one-month birthday. Not a week goes by when I don’t think about him on a Tuesday or a Friday because he was born and later passed on those days, but his one-month milestone was incredibly difficult for us. I can’t explain it, there was nothing in particular we were planning other than maybe pictures, but the fact that this was the first of many major milestones we won’t get to celebrate with him hit us hard.
I wish I had something insightful to say, but the reality is that we have just been really depressed this week. It is probably a combination of having completed many of the beginning and end of life tasks that we needed to complete for Logan, missing him with every atom of our beings, and really realizing that we have changed in so many ways that we need to get to know ourselves again; heartbreak and grief will do that.
I hadn’t realized how transformative grief is until this experience. In a conversation Brian and I had, I realized that many parts of our life from before feel like clothes that simply no longer fit. Moving forward, I know that I will be able to divide my life into BL and AL (Before Logan and After Logan). What does that look like? I don’t know.
Are the changes I feel and see permanent? Some I hope are and others I hope will pass with time:
- I would love to find my smile again, I like to smile easily and broadly
- My capacity for love and compassion is greater than I had ever imagined before and I hope that this continues to grow with time
- My tolerance for things that are out of alignment with me has seriously diminished and I hope it continues to do so and feels more comfortable
- I am learning to do things for me and not because I think others want me to do them (this has been a long time coming)
- I hope to learn to live with and quell the anxiety that I have been experiencing
- I hope to find joy again
Just to name a few.
Happy One Month Birthday my sweet Logi Bear. I love you more than words can express my sweet little angel ❤ You have transformed me in so many wonderful ways, thank you for being a part of our lives.
Good things:
- I’ve started exercising again. It’s slow going but feels nice to move my body
- I’m getting better at knitting
- We have so many incredible people in our lives 🙂 We love you all!
- Our squash plants have flowers on them!