One thing I have learned in the last three weeks is that grief does not behave as you would expect.
Things that I have been anxious about and spent a lot of mental and emotional energy preparing for were not the big deal I had made them out to be… While many other things catch me completely unawares and leave me a sobbing mess. Love songs, sounds, smells, reading quotes or other messages, or scrolling my Facebook feed just to name a few.
Posting about Logan on Facebook was one of the scariest things I have done. I felt vulnerable and exposed. When I wrote my post I was literally shaking with emotion and after I pushed “post” I hurried out of the house to go for a walk. Why was I so scared? It felt like the more people who knew, the more real it was. I could never have anticipated the incredible outpouring of love and support we have received from that. It has been so wonderful to hear from our friends and loved ones.
Thank you all!!! ❤ ❤
Another such situation was around Logan’s cremation. I wrote earlier about how I just wanted the cremation to be over so we could have him home with us… Well, Monday morning I woke up feeling like I needed to hold him just one more time. I was planning to call the funeral director to ask if I could see him just one more time before the cremation.
Before Logan’s death, I never thought of myself as someone who would be so attached to a body… We were blessed to be able to keep him with us for 24 hours (the longest time allowed by Colorado law) after his death. Holding him, loving him, and being with him was so important for us. Another of the experiences we had that falls into the “hardest things I have ever done” category was walking out to the sidewalk with my baby, kissing him goodbye, and handing him over to the funeral home. I lost my ability to stand sobbing like I haven’t before as I watched them drive away in the rain with my child… I cannot tell you how difficult and painful that was.
The next day we were invited to the funeral home to hold him, make foot castings, and say goodbye again. When we walked up to see our baby he had makeup on and actually looked like a doll of Logan. His scent was overpowered by the scent of the makeup and of course he was freezing… I honestly didn’t care. I left the funeral home with makeup all over my face because I couldn’t stop kissing and snuggling my son. Brian and I knew that we were only leaving Logan’s body behind and that his spirit and energy were with us always… it was the only peace I had found in days.
Fast-forward two weeks later… I wanted to hold him one more time. The physical need to feel my child in my arms and kiss his sweet skin is hard to explain, but I wanted it.
The funeral director called me about two hours later and invited us to the funeral home because Logan was ready to come home… I couldn’t speak. His body was gone. Somehow I had thought we would know before he was cremated, but that is not how it went. When I hung up the phone I was again a sobbing mess. Somehow, Logan’s death was so much more real now that his body was gone.
As we walked into the funeral home, I was trying to hide my inner panic. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see his urn in the place where I last saw his body. How was I going to be able to handle this???
When we walked into the room, I was surprisingly calm. The urn we had chosen was perfect and the foot castings had turned out better than I ever could have hoped. When the funeral director asked if we wanted more time with the items I was able to say, “no” because I knew that they would be with us for the rest of our lives.
Logan is now home with us. I kiss his urn good morning and good night each day and we have his foot castings where we can see them. I know it probably sounds strange, but for me it is the closest I can come to loving on my son and I am not ashamed to share it. We will be getting tattoos with his ashes mixed into the ink as well so that he can be with us always.
Good things:
- I have the greatest, most loving, and supportive partner imaginable
- I went out to dinner with several of my work friends. I was anxious beforehand but it was so great to see everyone and to laugh for a couple of hours
- I have the greatest support group both in person and online, I am so blessed
