As I am writing this I am flying through the air. Whenever I stop and actually think about the significance of that I am awed… We can fly! What an incredible feat.
Since Logan died I have been, for the first time in my life, stressed about flying. The thought of being surrounded by so many people and being unable to hide away was very overwhelming (not to mention the reality that I could end up sitting next to a child, and while I am much better with this I still never know how I will respond). I had built flying up to be a very big deal in my mind and the fear grew…
Well… I did it. I faced my fear.
I barely slept the night before my flight to St. Louis because I was so anxious, in fact, I was so amped up that waking up after barely two hours of rest wasn’t difficult. I made it through security, to the gate, and onto the plane… Then it really hit me… I was leaving Brian in Denver and going to another state for 5 days (we have barely been apart since Logan’s birth). I then began to sob like a cartoon character from the old Looney Tunes…. I was trying to be silent which left me sounding like a drowning donkey and looking like a guppy trying to breathe in air while tears literally poured from my eyes creating a pool on top of my chest…. It was dramatic to say the least (and very sexy).
While this happened, not a single person acknowledged me or asked if I was okay… In fact, it was as though I were invisible… I had my space amongst strangers. I can’t say if I would have wanted someone to reach out, but thinking back on it I wonder if I would have reached out to me. Would I have shown a stranger kindness in what was obviously a dark moment for them, reaching out with my humanity to touch theirs? Or would I have avoided eye contact and prayed that they didn’t address me, leaving them to their own sorrow? All I can say for sure is that I will think differently about these experiences in the future.
After 20 minutes or so I was able to get myself under control (rather, I was cried out) and I was able to turn to the woman next to me and talk for the remainder of the flight. As I got off the plane I felt a sense of triumph and complete and utter emotional exhaustion. I had faced something that had scared and overwhelmed me and, as usual, I found that it wasn’t as bad as I had made it out to be. The anticipation of an event is often much worse than the actual experience.
This leaves me contemplative on my return flight about the things I am afraid of. At times it feels like standing on the edge of an abyss, looking over, and not being able to see the bottom. We then choose to either stay put out of fear or leap and pray that we build wings on the way down… or at least find a safety net waiting for us.
Decide on the path to take, feel the fear, and do it anyway.
For me:
- Fear looks like acknowledging and respecting my needs and limits even when that means causing someone disappointment
- Fear looks like taking care of myself and making choices that are best for me and my family even if they may not be what others want
- Fear looks like actually BELIEVING in myself for the first time in my life
- Fear looks like saying, “no” to opportunities that I previously would have said, “yes” to for the promise of the, “YES!” opportunities
- Fear looks like being authentic and telling people that, “Yes, I have a son, and he is an angel” even when it will make others feel uncomfortable
- Fear looks like allowing joy, happiness, and purpose to come back into my life even though I am deathly afraid that it will take me further away from my son
- Fear looks like allowing anger and grief to consume me when needed and trusting that I will survive the pain
- Fear looks like experiencing TRUE heartbreak and still opening my heart and allowing love in, knowing that it leaves me vulnerable (especially when thinking about another pregnancy)
- Fear is sharing my journey, faults, struggles, pain, and triumph openly with any who care to read because the authenticity is healing and I hope it helps others
- Fear is blatantly stating that I am building a business with Young Living Essential Oils and it feels wonderfully in alignment with my purpose and journey. (Please feel free to reach out to me at any time if you want to hear more about this part of my journey or if you want to join me!)
Here I go! *bends knees, leaps, starts building wings*
Good things:
- St. Louis is a really cool town and I loved exploring! The Botanical Gardens are the third largest in the world!
- I got to spend several days with the amazing Rose talking, exploring, and connecting ❤
- I was part of a historic General Assembly for the ENA as we passed several landmark resolutions
- I spent time getting to know several of my ENA colleagues better while we were in St. Louis
- I got to come home to my amazing husband and fur babies (nothing like the joy your dog shows when you come back!)