All the magic happens outside of your comfort zone.
I am sure we have all heard at least some version of that empowering quote. I have, at least I thought, made a practice of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in my life. I pushed harder, worked longer, practiced more, and generally overstuffed the burrito of my life. I felt accomplished, I felt proud, and I felt like I was a powerhouse in my own right.
Set goal, crush, repeat.
Well, what happened is the age old story of an overstuffed burrito… the goodness starts to fall out. What fell out wasn’t the lettuce, rice, and beans… It was the cheese, the avocado, and the meat, the very substance and, dare I say, best parts of life.
I let my self-care and health practices fall by the wayside. After all, who has time to work out, eat healthy, and get enough rest with so much world to be seized? I also let quality time with my family slip. This is what I am most ashamed of.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, my husband, in an incredibly brave moment of vulnerability, laid my sins to bear. He said that he supported me and my goals completely and would do whatever it took to do that, but that if I chose to continue on the path I was on, he would need to quit his job because he would be a single parent. *Mic drop*
There is nothing like having someone lovingly hold a mirror in front of you to make you realize that you have chosen poorly (Indiana Jones anyone?). I have always believed and said that my family is number one… my actions did not reflect that. One could argue that I have even gone so far as to drink from the wrong cup and with Logan’s death I am now a pile of ashes.
Logan’s life has left a legacy of love that I didn’t know was possible. In the wake of his death, I have never been more in love. In love with my husband, in love with my family, in love with my friends, in love with complete strangers, and most importantly, in love with my son.
In this time, one of my greatest challenges has been learning to love myself. After a lifetime of slavery to doing, accomplishing, and succeeding, my body and soul need some T.L.C. With the help of my husband, family, friends, and an incredible team of supporters from our therapist and acupuncturist to the midwives and bodyworkers, I am actually pushing outside of my comfort zone, arguably for the first time in my life…
At the urging of my support team, I have not gone back to work yet. Just writing that sentence and putting it out there has me shaking. How have I, an overachiever, perfectionist, workaholic, doing addict not gone back to work yet? Giving myself space, time, and love to heal is so far out of my comfort zone It leaves me anxious and shaking to think about it. I feel that I am letting people down, that I will be judged harshly, and that I will lose what little is left of me in that pile of ash.
The reality is, my body, mind, and spirit have been crushed. I am learning, finally after 33 years, what my body needs and truly listening to it for the first time. I am seeing a therapist to help me learn tools to cope with my new reality and sometimes crippling anxiety resulting from profound grief. I am also using writing to explore my soul and process the incredible amounts of grief, sadness, anger (as much as I wish I didn’t feel this way, I do), gratitude, and love Logan’s loss cause me.
This week I will be going to St. Louis for the Emergency Nurses Association (ENA) General Assembly as a delegate for the state of Colorado. I have been heavily involved in ENA and at the time I decided to go to St. Louis, I had no idea what path I would be on. As I prepare for my trip today I find myself reflective and a bit anxious.
When I told a close friend about my anxieties and apprehensions about this trip, they responded with the opening quote of this post, “All the magic happens outside of your comfort zone.” I agree, it does. But this trip is NOT outside of my comfort zone, it is firmly within it.
Going back into the world as a professional, pushing, networking, and otherwise “achieving” are very comfortable for me. In the vertigo that is my new reality, the urge to go back to achievement and the potential for a hole to hide in during this storm is strong. I can feel my comfort zone calling to me like the dark side to Anakin Skywalker… I know it is not the right choice for what I want in life, but it is so tempting. And as Obi Wan told Luke (sorry for going totally nerd here), this is a dangerous time in my training and I want to ensure that I can resist the pull of the dark side.
I have decided to make an action plan for myself. This plan includes self care, healthy eating, essential oils, exercise, and plenty of rest during this trip. I am sharing it with you here because I want and need accountability… You are my Obi Wan ❤
Each day I will:
- Get at least 7 hours of sleep
- Diffuse, ingest, and topically apply my favorite essential oils (Loving Thieves, Valor, Gentle Baby, frankincense, peppermint, stress away, and lavender these days)
- Meditate
- Exercise
- Do my abdominal Massage (I will be talking about this in a future post!)
- Journal at least 3 pages each day
- Drink at least a gallon of water
- Pack healthy snacks
- Listen to my body and honor its needs
I will be checking in here to let you know how I do with my plan. In the past I have gone to conferences with similar goals and failed to follow through. This time it is going to be different. I have you all holding me accountable (thank you) and I know that these activities are critical for me.
Thank you all for your support! Your reading and sharing my blog helps me immensely. It is my greatest hope that my story and journey helps others.
Good things:
- Brian’s dad and stepmom were here this week for a wonderful visit
- We went to Rocky Mountain National Park which was beautiful and had a family of elk maybe 5 feet away from our car… I think Logan sent them
- We also saw a momma and baby moose that day eating in a pond
- I have the greatest husband ever ❤