Until Logan, I had never fully appreciated the value of being a nurse. I have been privileged to be present for the worst and best days of peoples lives from births to deaths and all points between. I have always been touched by how vulnerable and trusting my patients are with a complete stranger and have done my best to be worthy of their trust while being respectful of their vulnerability. I have studied hard, learning what I can about pathology, nursing and medical care, and the human experience to improve my skills. I have always felt that doing what I could to support my patient and their loved ones through the most incredible and challenging moments of their lives was what being a nurse was all about…
I now realize that our greatest value lies not in our skills, but our own courage and willingness to be with people during their most difficult moments and to share our love with them.
Don’t get me wrong, being knowledgeable and skillful is vital to our success and, frankly, what people expect of us. However, I now understand that all the knowledge and skills in the world don’t add up to much without courage, love, and the willingness to share ourselves.
Let me explain.
As soon as Logan was born we recognized that something was wrong. We were immediately sent to the hospital and the NICU where, after less than an hour, we had a tentative diagnosis and Logan’s DNR order was signed. At this point, there were not many nursing tasks required in our care. Logan wasn’t learning to breastfeed, he didn’t need cardiac monitoring, we weren’t (really) concerned with vital signs, weight gain, bilirubin levels, or blood sugar… What we mostly needed was someone to be there for us while our new reality set in.
As a nurse, I have felt helpless in the past, knowing that all of my knowledge and acquired nursing skills could not change a situation. In those times I have come to the bedside feeling inadequate with only myself to offer. I have sat with patients, held their hands, offered whatever comfort I could, and shared part of myself in those moments. I now understand just how powerful that act is.
During our two nights and one and a half days in the NICU, the nurses taught me a lesson I doubt I could have learned any other way… Having the courage to show up for your patient, to sit with them while they grieve, to share in their experience, and to let them know you are sorry without pity is subtle, powerful, and incredibly brave.
Nursing care is an intimate exchange… Neither nurse nor patient leaves unchanged (however subtle that change may be). I believe that we have come to use our tasks as a sort of shield to protect us from the vulnerability that is embedded into the very fiber of what we do and when our tasks are stripped away, all that is left is us. It is in these moments that our true worth as a nurse is found, our humanity, love, and compassion become the tools we share with our patients and it is miraculous what a difference that makes.
I do not believe that we must reach these moments to share ourselves with our patients, I would argue I do this with each of my patients… But there is a certain depth that is born from feeling that there is nothing else we can do that changes the game. Having been on the patient side of this exchange I can tell you that I noticed and I am eternally grateful.
The nursing care we received was nothing short of miraculous. I think about the nurses, NNPs, and midwives who cared for us often and it makes my heart sing with the recognition of souls who dug deep, found their courage, and stayed present with us during the best and worst time of our lives. They have changed us and we will never forget them.
Good things:
- We are home after a wonderful trip
- We’ve been eating lots of veggies from the garden
- I have been able to read again and am enjoying my latest book (I was having panic attacks whenever I tried to read a book at first and reading is one of my favorite pastimes!)
- The ER where I work gave us a wind chime with Logan’s name on it and the inscription, “hear the wind and know I am near.” It is currently hanging on our deck and making beautiful music with the wind ❤