Just writing that title made my stomach fall to my feet and the pressure in my chest left me feeling like I couldn’t breathe… How has it been 12 weeks since I last saw my son breathe, watched him move, or heard him coo or cry? 12 weeks since he took his last breath while I held him and became an angel.
How have I managed to keep breathing? At any given moment I am seconds away from feeling like I am drowning, unable to breathe, numb hands and feet and the feeling that I am about to be consumed by my grief. The world has turned plaid going by at ludicrous speed, and I stand by as though it is a rocket attempting to leave earth’s gravity that I can’t possibly jump onto and trying leaves me exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.
When I am asked how I am all I can say is, “ok.”
How can I explain that I feel like at any given moment I could release the small thread of a rope keeping me from going under and being drown by the seas of grief? That everything I do is overshadowed by the fact that my son is not with me? That joy is simply not as joyful as it used to be? I am trying to fight the Dementors from Harry Potter with a half formed patronus. There are times where I feel like I will never be happy again… and then there are times when I can wrap myself in love and gratitude for the beautiful gift Logan is, providing a moment of peace.
I promised Logan I would make him proud of me. I believe that he would want me to strive for more moments of love and gratitude and fewer drowning.
We have begun to bring our “Logi Bear” with us to events and sites. Logi Bear was a gift from my amazing sister-in-law right after Logan left us. He is the same length and weight that Logan was and he has been an incredible comfort to us. I was surprised by how much I missed having Logan’s weight on my chest and in my arms… Logi Bear has helped to fill our empty arms and has given us a way to honor our baby. He is a visual representation of what we are thinking about and feeling at every moment…Logan.
I have had more than a few confused looks from people when carrying Logi Bear around National Parks and restaurants, but I don’t care. He is a representation of my son and the closest I can come to soothing the ache I feel for not having him in my arms. Logi Bear has been on many adventures so far and will continue to join us to honor our incredible angel.
Good Things
- We booked flights to attend my cousin’s wedding next month
- We are mountain bound for a couple of concerts this weekend!