What postpartum course would be complete without some body issues?
Before, I was prepared for and excited about my postpartum body. After all… I grew a human and was going to be nourishing him from my my ample nutrient stores. I definitely felt huge, but I knew that there was a propose and I felt proud of what my body had done.
Now that my baby isn’t here… it’s a whole different ballgame.
My labor was incredibly fast and relatively easy, I barely tore, didn’t need any stitches, and during what was probably the hardest part of my recovery I was 1000% focused on my son. All of this plus the fact that my son is not with me has made it incredibly difficult for me to remember that I am in the early postpartum period and I need to take care of myself and take it easy. Plus, the idea of working out until my body feels the way my heart does sounds fabulous right now… I am working hard to refrain.
Yesterday I made a decision that was probably less than advisable… I went to Old Navy to look for some clothes for my transitioning body. The mixture of being in public, terrible lighting, awful mirrors, my postpartum body and hormones, and the two week birthday of Logan proved to be too much. I ended up sobbing in the dressing room saying, “this wouldn’t be so hard if Logan was here,” after getting a good long look at my body and acknowledging just how uncomfortable I felt in my skin.
Until yesterday I didn’t understand what other loss moms were talking about with their body hatred. I kept thinking about what a miracle my beautiful baby is/was and couldn’t understand taking his death out on my body… Well… ladies and gents, it turns out my body hatred is simply wearing the sheep’s clothing of my old eating disordered body image to hide the wolf beneath.
Turns out that I feel like having extra weight, a deflated looking stomach, wearing grannie panties with big pads, and leaking breasts are only permissible when one has a healthy baby to nourish. Now that my baby is not here… I want my body to go back to its normal IMMEDIATELY (and maybe look even more fabulous than before… is that too much to ask?!)!!
I understand that ultimately, it took me 38 1/2 weeks to get here and it will probably take as long to get back. I need to give myself space and time to heal, both physically and emotionally, and allow nature to take its course. Oh man how I wish it wasn’t so.
I believe it was Buddha who said, “All suffering comes from wishing things were different than they are.” My how true this statement is. I wish my son had been born healthy and was still alive, I wish that my body was less of the two week postpartum persuasion and more the Victoria’s Secret model, but mostly I wish that Logan was still alive and in my arms.
I think about him almost every moment of every day. I think about how much I wish he was with me, that I could show him X, Y, or Z, that I could hear his cry and coos, that my body could fulfill it’s desire and propose of continuing to nourish him… But none of that is or will be. Each day I find a new layer in my grief to work through. I now realize that body image is just another way I get to process and experience our loss… Wish me luck.
The good things:
- We finally have Logan’s Social Security number
- I have rediscovered crafts and have been learning to knit and making bracelets like I used to in girl scouts
- I was able to find some shirts that are comfortable and fit
- My mother-in-law helped me pick out some new summer shoes as my birthday present. Thank you!
- We planted some flowering bushes on the side of our house that are beautiful