Well… It’s Friday… Logan’s 9th Angelversary… And as always, it has been a tough day for me, one where I hoped for distraction from the fact that it’s the anniversary of holding my son in my arms while he struggled for his last breath and finally became limp, leaving his earthly body.
I have been trying so hard to fully experience my grief and allow it to transform me as I work through each new painful corner, but there are times where distraction brings a welcome respite. I will admit that preparing for and undertaking our trip has brought more distraction than I had previously had and today that all came crashing down around me (and the fact that our waitress at breakfast brought me caffeinated coffee instead of decaf only made matters much worse… think chipmunk on crack).
We are currently in California for my Grandfather’s memorial (he passed away back in March) which provides its own level of grief. Also, my mother is in the process of moving and our visit coincides with helping her with this fun task (we’ve all experienced this one). It was painfully easy for me to fall into old patterns of busying myself with the tasks of sorting, packing, and cleaning; working myself harder than necessary. It just felt so natural and as I said, distraction provides respite.
Today, I had intended to continue this pattern of busting my you-know-what when a slight monkey wrench was thrown in… my Mom was otherwise engaged. It’s hard to go through someone’s belongings for them and thus my day took a turn that was unexpected. I began to stress, worrying that we wouldn’t have enough time to finish packing everything with all of the memorial activities and that there would he terrible downstream effects (I apparently have a bit of a God complex when it comes to my mom needing me to make her move a success!). As the day wore on I became more and more agitated working myself up and really feeling overwhelmed.
When I was agitated to the point of anxiety, my sister called. During our conversation, she reminded me about my post around self care (wow the accountability of laying out your laundry on the internet is powerful!). I realized that I have been allowing myself to be distracted too much and not honoring what I need for my healing. After hanging up I decided to let the boxes stay empty for a bit longer and write some of the posts that I have been composing in my head.
Writing posts has been a way for me to process the rolling surges of emotions I have while getting to know who I have become and am becoming… Being distracted allows me to ignore the need and thus no writing occurs. It’s like the difference of traveling a stretch of road in speeding car versus strolling… You are able to better experience it if you are strolling and taking the time to notice your surroundings.
I will admit that sitting in grief is incredibly painful and that distraction feels more comfortable, but, when emotions are ignored they grow more powerful. Like a monster under the bed, grief grows bigger and scarier the more we try to ignore it… And like that same monster, turning to face it, shining your light, and meeting it is the only way to do the real work of healing and integrating grief into your life.
Being distracted is powerful and as addicting as any drug (or in my case food!). It’s a way to numb out and ignore what is really going on and can be incredibly destructive to your mental, physical, and emotional health… It’s time for me to say it, “My Name is Ali, and I am a doing addict.”
It’s time for me to recognize and appreciate the insidious nature of busyness and distraction and continue to make space for myself each and every day. As anyone faced with addiction, I need support and to have those around me who will support and encourage me to make decisions in alignment with my goals (Thank you Sissy!).
Good Things:
- Our road trip to California has been incredible so far… I got to share Yosemite with Brian and Larry has been so fun to have on our trip
- We have been bringing Logi Bear with us everywhere (I will be writing a post about this soon)
- Logan’s travel urn has been with us every step of the way on our trip and I love feeling connected to him that way
- I have been able to spend time with my mom’s side of the family and see my little sister for the first time since our baby shower
- I found so many incredible memories in my mom’s storage unit
- Larry loves swimming in my Grandma’s pool!