Thanksgiving and Gratitude

It has definitely been awhile since I last wrote… Somehow, the last several weeks have been among the hardest since Logan died. My grandfather, RJ, died on November 10th, and that really sent me reeling. He was 94 years old and had lived a full life, but, somehow, it was the proverbial straw that this […]

Baby Loss Motherhood

5 Months

It has been 5 months since I first held our precious baby in my arms. 5 months since I first smelled him, felt his skin, heard his cries, and kissed his perfect forehead. I can still smell him, feel his skin (truly the softest thing I have ever felt), and feel the weight of his […]

Baby Loss

Rainbow Bridge

I remember reading a Facebook post years ago about a child’s explanation of why dogs (and cats) don’t live as long as humans. The cliffs notes version of this story is that the child said we come here to learn about love, and that because animals are pure love, they don’t have to be here […]

Baby Loss

Tonight I Will Light A Candle

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This is my first October 15th being part of the “club” of parents who have lost a child. This day used to be like any other to me, and now, it is heavily weighted with significance. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan named October as National […]

Baby Loss

Shame

Hello everyone! I am so sorry for my long gap between posts, last month was incredibly busy (and my computer died). Between traveling, visitors, and appointments I only had 2 days where I wasn’t engaged in some way. It was wonderful to see so many people I love and to get to share time with […]

Baby Loss Self Care

Fear

As I am writing this I am flying through the air. Whenever I stop and actually think about the significance of that I am awed… We can fly! What an incredible feat. Since Logan died I have been, for the first time in my life, stressed about flying. The thought of being surrounded by so […]

Baby Loss Self Care

Comfort Zone

All the magic happens outside of your comfort zone. I am sure we have all heard at least some version of that empowering quote. I have, at least I thought, made a practice of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in my life. I pushed harder, worked longer, practiced more, and generally overstuffed the […]

Baby Loss Motherhood Self Care

Genes

Today is Logan’s 14th Angelversary, and amidst the sorrow that accompanies today, I find myself filled with a renewed sense of purpose and hopefulness. Our lifestyle and diet are undergoing a titanic shift and I am excited to share our experiences with you, my readers, my family. In my last post I made the commitment […]

Baby Loss Epigenetics

Total Eclipse in my Heart

The last week was a big one for me… Logan’s three month birthday and the eclipse seemed to have drained me of my vitality and energy and I spent much more time in bed or on the couch than usual. I have been assured that periods like this are normal and part of the grief […]

Baby Loss

The Dance

Happy three month birthday little man ❤ You are the greatest thing that I have ever been part of and I am blessed to be your mommy ❤ During our road trip to California and back we listened to some music (although not very much all things considered… music can lead to unexpected emotional breakdowns for me). One […]

Baby Loss

Shooting Stars

If you read yesterday’s blog post it was clear that I was having a tough day… At times I become overwhelmed by grief and it is all I can see, hear, taste, feel, and smell. Yesterday was one of those moments when I realized, again, that Logan was not coming back. That he is really dead. I […]

Baby Loss

12 Week Angelversary

Just writing that title made my stomach fall to my feet and the pressure in my chest left me feeling like I couldn’t breathe… How has it been 12 weeks since I last saw my son breathe, watched him move, or heard him coo or cry? 12 weeks since he took his last breath while […]

Baby Loss

A Nurse’s Worth

Until Logan, I had never fully appreciated the value of being a nurse. I have been privileged to be present for the worst and best days of peoples lives from births to deaths and all points between. I have always been touched by how vulnerable and trusting my patients are with a complete stranger and […]

Baby Loss

In Memoriam

For the last week an a half we have been on a road trip. It has been good for us to be out of the Denver area for a bit and to spend more time together. It has also been a good opportunity to get to know the people we have become while seeing beautiful […]

Baby Loss

Distraction

Well… It’s Friday… Logan’s 9th Angelversary… And as always, it has been a tough day for me, one where I hoped for distraction from the fact that it’s the anniversary of holding my son in my arms while he struggled for his last breath and finally became limp, leaving his earthly body. I have been […]

Baby Loss

The Wisdom of a Child

I first want to say happy second birthday to our sweet puppy Larry ❤ He is the sweetest, most loving dog I have ever known! In the last 7 weeks he has been such a light for us. He was definitely affected by Logan’s short presence and loss in our lives; I was concerned that he was […]

Baby Loss

Radical Self Care

Yesterday marked Logan’s 6-week birthday. Among the Fourth of July festivities Brian and I paused together at 8:28pm (the time Logan was born) to look at pictures, reminisce, and share in our love for him. I so wish that we could have shared fireworks with him. Sometimes personal growth is a choice and we walk […]

Baby Loss Motherhood

One Month and the Father’s Day Hangover

All I can say is… What a week! We went into Father’s Day expecting that it would be difficult; it was Brian’s first Father’s Day and Logan had been gone for just over three weeks. What we didn’t expect, was for the following days to be difficult too. I have now dubbed this week “The […]

Baby Loss

Homecoming

One thing I have learned in the last three weeks is that grief does not behave as you would expect. Things that I have been anxious about and spent a lot of mental and emotional energy preparing for were not the big deal I had made them out to be… While many other things catch […]

Baby Loss

Logan’s Birth

I’m a funny woman… For as long as I can remember, I couldn’t wait to experience birth. I have always been enchanted with pregnancy and birth and my mother spoke so positively about her birth experiences that I couldn’t wait to experience labor and delivery myself. Even with all that has happened since his birth, […]

Baby Loss Motherhood

DNR

I am no stranger to death. Between personal family losses and working as a nurse for the last 10 years I have attempted to thwart, seen, and touched death on numerous occasions.  I have cried for those I have lost and cried with those left behind after a loved one passed… I even supported a […]

Baby Loss

Oh Old Navy

What postpartum course would be complete without some body issues? Before, I was prepared for and excited about my postpartum body.  After all… I grew a human and was going to be nourishing him from my my ample nutrient stores.  I definitely felt huge, but I knew that there was a propose and I felt […]

Baby Loss

Gardening and What to Send With Logan

Over the last year and a half my life largely consisted of working full time and going to school full time so my hobbies all fell by the wayside.  Now that I find myself a new mother without her child this void is greater than I ever could have imagined.  In an effort to keep […]

Baby Loss

Birth certificates, social security numbers, and death certificates… oh my!

Yesterday was tough.  Let’s be real, every day is tough…  Getting out of bed each day takes more strength and courage than I ever knew I had, and that is just the start of my day.  That said, yesterday was particularly tough because we had to go and run errands that are about as much […]

Baby Loss

Am I A Mom?

Everyone I have talked to has said that there is no question that I am and always will be a mother.  And in the sense that I carried my baby to term, delivered him, and cared for him for two and a half days, yes, I am a mother… but…  I will never breastfeed him.  […]

Baby Loss